*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
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EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Happy weekend !
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response