son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
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11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
How is twitter still free 😂😂
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
God: why don’t we text anymore?
Me: you know why
God: I can’t just give everyone a Sega whenever they ask. That’s not how it works
Her: What veggies are the kids having with dinner?
Me: (Smacking the bottom of a ketchup bottle) Fresh Tomatoes…
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
voicemail is just a digital ouija board because anyone who leaves a message is dead to me
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?