*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
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We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
2022 will be better than 2021
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
“A little help here, Danny?”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Taliband
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Me :
All Day At Night
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”