[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
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I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.