*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
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The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”