*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
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Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”