Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
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[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games