*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
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Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I unironically love this joke.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Can. I. Help. You.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there