like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
You Might Also Like
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me: