Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
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When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.