ππ»ββοΈ
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If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
The βIs it a bird? Is it a planeβ trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
βThatβs an interesting take,β I say not listeningly.
Me: [first day at work] Iβve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
I pretend I have a βtax guyβ because Iβm a very busy businessman and not because Iβm an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
[olive garden]
waiter: when youβre here youβre family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. Iβll see myself out.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Parenting is cheering on your kidβs winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Dr Suess isnβt that special. watch this:
Iβm mad and sad and doing very bad
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs