[gets pulled over by the cops]

Cop: sir, you need to have 2 or more people in your vehicle to drive the HOV lane.

Me: check the trunk.

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Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.


My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks


[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*


My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!


me: do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing

bank teller: [eyes wide] uhhhh

me: *scratches head with gun* man, i hate when this happens


Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?


FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.


I keep randomly shouting out ‘Broccoli’ and ‘Cauliflower’ – I think I might have Florets.


Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups


Me: I work from home.

You: OMG that’s amazing. I want to do that someday! You’re so lucky!

Me: I also live at work.