Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
[gets pulled over by the cops]
Cop: sir, you need to have 2 or more people in your vehicle to drive the HOV lane.
Me: check the trunk.
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My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
me: do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing
bank teller: [eyes wide] uhhhh
me: *scratches head with gun* man, i hate when this happens
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I keep randomly shouting out ‘Broccoli’ and ‘Cauliflower’ – I think I might have Florets.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Me: I work from home.
You: OMG that’s amazing. I want to do that someday! You’re so lucky!
Me: I also live at work.