[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
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Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills