@Jenny4ashley

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

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@MisterBombay

Whenever I’m waiting for an elevator & the door finally slides open I pretend I’m on a Game Show & just won a group of people

@patnelke

Let my son leave the house today wearing a striped shirt and plaid shorts. I’m done, he’s natural selections problem now.

@Love_bug1016

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

@KonaSlater

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

@skedaddle74

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

@thetigersez

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

@lovemyboots111

How do you know your man is cheating?

When he drives by her place the wifi connects

@Marcmywords2

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

@codyspencer0

Somebody said “hey wanna eat this apple” and I said “no thanks I ate a PC for lunch”