I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting packets of Kikkomon soy sauce
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
“I’m not sure yet”
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Are your clothes meant to scream out “help” when you squeeze yourself into them?
I had to use a rotary phone to try to get concert tickets so don’t you tell me Ticket Master online is taking too long
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Her: Do you have any hobbies?
*flashback to placing dismembered body parts into jars filled with formaldehyde
Me: I make my own preserves.