[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

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Whenever I’m waiting for an elevator & the door finally slides open I pretend I’m on a Game Show & just won a group of people


Let my son leave the house today wearing a striped shirt and plaid shorts. I’m done, he’s natural selections problem now.


I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting


I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words


To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.


How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.


How do you know your man is cheating?

When he drives by her place the wifi connects


I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.


Somebody said “hey wanna eat this apple” and I said “no thanks I ate a PC for lunch”