@Jenny4ashley

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

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@Chhapiness

I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting packets of Kikkomon soy sauce

@SoldHerSoul

Are your clothes meant to scream out “help” when you squeeze yourself into them?

@Canadian_Cutie_

I had to use a rotary phone to try to get concert tickets so don’t you tell me Ticket Master online is taking too long

@robdelaney

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

@AndrewChamings

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

@seamussaid

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

@dadopotamus

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

@Chumpstring

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

@ilovepie84

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

@drinksmcgee

Her: Do you have any hobbies?

*flashback to placing dismembered body parts into jars filled with formaldehyde

Me: I make my own preserves.