[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

You Might Also Like


I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting packets of Kikkomon soy sauce


Are your clothes meant to scream out “help” when you squeeze yourself into them?


I had to use a rotary phone to try to get concert tickets so don’t you tell me Ticket Master online is taking too long


Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.


In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.


I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write


“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.


When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.


When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.


Her: Do you have any hobbies?

*flashback to placing dismembered body parts into jars filled with formaldehyde

Me: I make my own preserves.