Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
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Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I can’t stop watching this.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.