Before Facebook I assumed all of our parents were good spellers.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
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* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *
My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
A roasted peanut is a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts.
I slept like a log, which means my underside was moist and bugs kept crawling up my crack.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Patrick: “Did you see my underwear?” Mindy: “No.” Patrick: “Do you wanna?”
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening