@liquidthoughtKE

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

You Might Also Like

@momowelch

Before Facebook I assumed all of our parents were good spellers.

@MichaelTrying

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

@Nahdude83

A roasted peanut is a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts.

@Underchilde

I slept like a log, which means my underside was moist and bugs kept crawling up my crack.

@tracietom

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

@krisv_723

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

@Iaughing

Patrick: “Did you see my underwear?” Mindy: “No.” Patrick: “Do you wanna?”

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

@Rohit_And_Run

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

@shutupmikeginn

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening