Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

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Before Facebook I assumed all of our parents were good spellers.


* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.


A roasted peanut is a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts.


I slept like a log, which means my underside was moist and bugs kept crawling up my crack.


I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.


If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee


Patrick: “Did you see my underwear?” Mindy: “No.” Patrick: “Do you wanna?”


All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.


I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.


0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening