My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
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People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
We all have our pet causes.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs