*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
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i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.