[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
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A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
What a chick magnet..
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.