FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
You Might Also Like
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
So glad I finally got around to correcting that spelling mistake I made to the girl I fancied 8 years ago
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
I don’t speak button, but if I could I’m pretty sure the button on my jeans is saying, “Aaaaah! Help me!” right now.
To err is human. To errrrrrrr! eerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! errrrrrrrrrrrrr! is racecar.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.