[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
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“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.