*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
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9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
pep talk
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat