*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
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Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me