“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
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Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling