Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
*gets pulled over*
Officer: how high are u
Me: no officer, it’s hi, how are u
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I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.