@PakuluPapito1

*gets pulled over*

Officer: how high are u

Me: no officer, it’s hi, how are u

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@cervixsmash

Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family

@TheBoydP

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

@ThisOneSayz

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

@daemonic3

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

@danguterman

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

@Browtweaten

Date: I know a lot of dance styles

Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too

Date: Any ballroom?

Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit

Date: What

Me: What

@anerdonfire2

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.