Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
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me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.