(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
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A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Snapes on a plane.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
sry
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.