it was a valiant fight
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“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Good morning y’all ☀️
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror