“Dad, we need to talk.” “Alright.” He grabs a chair and sits. “Dad, you-” He grabs yet another chair. “DAMMIT DAD YOU’RE ADDICTED TO CHAIRS”
*gets sent nude selfie with messy bedroom in the background
Sorry to ruin the mood, but is that a half-eaten corn dog on your floor?
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Why don’t seagulls fly by the bay? Because then they would be called Bagels!
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
“What’re you like in the bedroom?”
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
me: [googling] lose weight
google: eat healthy and exercise
me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.