@Wine_Honey1

*gets sent nude selfie with messy bedroom in the background

Sorry to ruin the mood, but is that a half-eaten corn dog on your floor?

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@jwoodham

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

@CulturedRuffian

I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.

@audipenny

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

@TheBoydP

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

@Carbosly

Being a hacker in the ’80’s was way easier.

*shakes vending machine until chocolate bars falls.

@all_about_today

Immortality sounded great when I was 23, but now that I’m 38 it just sounds exhausting.

@GauravBlue4ever

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??