*gets sent nude selfie with messy bedroom in the background

Sorry to ruin the mood, but is that a half-eaten corn dog on your floor?

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“Dad, we need to talk.” “Alright.” He grabs a chair and sits. “Dad, you-” He grabs yet another chair. “DAMMIT DAD YOU’RE ADDICTED TO CHAIRS”


For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”


Why don’t seagulls fly by the bay? Because then they would be called Bagels!


DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?


A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.


Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.


me: [googling] lose weight

google: eat healthy and exercise

me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running


Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?


Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.