@Wine_Honey1

*gets sent nude selfie with messy bedroom in the background

Sorry to ruin the mood, but is that a half-eaten corn dog on your floor?

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@AceMakesWords

“Dad, we need to talk.” “Alright.” He grabs a chair and sits. “Dad, you-” He grabs yet another chair. “DAMMIT DAD YOU’RE ADDICTED TO CHAIRS”

@FattMernandez

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

@omgthatspunny

Why don’t seagulls fly by the bay? Because then they would be called Bagels!

@DrDogMD

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?

@lecalabara

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

@likeursoperfect

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

@arcadeseals

me: [googling] lose weight

google: eat healthy and exercise

me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running

@junejuly12

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

@marknorm

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.