Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
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– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
“Sheer Arrogance”
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.