*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
You Might Also Like
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Spring cleaning checklist…
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence