Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
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I’m at my most immature when girls misspell “cologne” and start talking about how bad a man’s colon smells
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I did my IQ test online today and got scammed out of $50,000.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?