[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
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How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Always 🥴
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
ouch
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.