*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
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Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children