@AmnesiaRose

*gets stabbed

“Omg that knife was clean right??”

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@JonnyGoodTimes

My girlfriend HATES it when I sneak up on her.

According to her lawyer she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend ( ._.)

@mattsurely

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

@LeonEarlgrey

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

@LostCatDog

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

@christinaloca

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

@Michael1979

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

@lloydrang

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

@KeetPotato

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

@dfaber84

My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas

It’s me, I’m the remote start.