I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
You Might Also Like
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.