*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
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lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots