*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
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Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
The old gods are rising again.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Pee pressure > peer pressure
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Name this drama.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*