[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
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One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Was it something I said?
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
…..pretty much.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.