[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
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Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
This probably isn’t good
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.