@HumanPog

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

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@VestaTot

My coworker just took a broom and pole vaulted over the cubicle partition to confront the woman who accused her of being on speed.

@Bob_Heller

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

@cupcakelynda

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

@OtherDanOBrien

[Computer has become self-aware]
Scientist 1: Shit, just like in Terminator
Computer: I HAVE WRITTEN SOME POETRY
Scientist 2: No, worse

@Tmoney68

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

@AnitaHelmet

There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.

She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.

@PatsATweetin

God: I am the father of humanity.

Human: *changes climate*

God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!

@MichaelLarrick

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

@heymonroe

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.