*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
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I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!