My coworker just took a broom and pole vaulted over the cubicle partition to confront the woman who accused her of being on speed.
*gets to heaven*
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
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I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
[Computer has become self-aware]
Scientist 1: Shit, just like in Terminator
Computer: I HAVE WRITTEN SOME POETRY
Scientist 2: No, worse
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.