*gets to heaven*
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
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5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
The next time somebody complains about millennials, maybe remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
[god to lions]
You will be the symbol of power and prestige
[sees the crickets]
Ew. Uh…you guys just yell real loud when a comedian bombs
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.