*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
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I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
next level snooze
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.