*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
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[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances