*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
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If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.