*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
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Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
wow he looks just like him
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.