*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
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dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.