*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
You Might Also Like
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf