*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”

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“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”


People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.


Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here


Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?


Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.


To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend


2,000 calories of junk food costs just $3.52 a day. 2,000 calories of dense nutritional foods costs $36.32 a day. No wonder people are fat.


I’m actually not sure if the Wife decorated the tree really well or she just created the best Lady Gaga outfit in history