DEFINITELY CANT DUNK ANYMORE
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
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“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
SHIT. NO. GODDAMMIT
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
2,000 calories of junk food costs just $3.52 a day. 2,000 calories of dense nutritional foods costs $36.32 a day. No wonder people are fat.
I’m actually not sure if the Wife decorated the tree really well or she just created the best Lady Gaga outfit in history