getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
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Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.