[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
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Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Saving my good tweets for marriage
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.