INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
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I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
pat pat
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.