[getting a haircuit]

barber: how’s this?

me, horrified and disgusted: perfect 🙂

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[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please


*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*


PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?


Your secrets safe with me..

I stopped listening to you 30 minutes ago…


Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa


[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”


*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.


god: these are humans

angel: how do they work

god: [rubbing temples] not…not well…


My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?