[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
[getting a haircuit]
barber: how’s this?
me, horrified and disgusted: perfect 🙂
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*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Your secrets safe with me..
I stopped listening to you 30 minutes ago…
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
god: these are humans
angel: how do they work
god: [rubbing temples] not…not well…
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?