@trojansauce

[getting a haircut]
BARBER: anything else?
ME: cut me
BARBER: what? no
ME: like sweeney todd
BARBER: i’m no-
ME:make me into a pie

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@WheelTod

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

@DanMentos

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

@MikeHeraly

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

@girlontapas

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

@imence2

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….nnn…..I just love smell of campfires.

@DrakeGatsby

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

@LittleMissAngr1

I used the entire box of tissues to blow my nose at my therapist’s office to make a point about her switching to a subpar generic brand and instead of apologizing about the tissues all she could talk about is some idea that I’m passive aggressive.