[getting a haircut]
BARBER: anything else?
ME: cut me
BARBER: what? no
ME: like sweeney todd
BARBER: i’m no-
ME:make me into a pie

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I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill


judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor


Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns


They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.


I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….nnn…..I just love smell of campfires.


[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up


I used the entire box of tissues to blow my nose at my therapist’s office to make a point about her switching to a subpar generic brand and instead of apologizing about the tissues all she could talk about is some idea that I’m passive aggressive.