@trojansauce

[getting a haircut]
BARBER: anything else?
ME: cut me
BARBER: what? no
ME: like sweeney todd
BARBER: i’m no-
ME:make me into a pie

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@CheryeDavis

This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”

@Jamberee13

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

@DiscountLando

“Sorry, I have to take this call.”

“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”

*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”

@StockSwaff

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.

@daemonic3

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

@tastefactory

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

@weinerdog4life

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

@brianbowman73

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.