When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
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ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
*weighs self after shaving
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Now this is how you LinkedIn
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself