@DurtMcHurtt

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

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@ch000ch

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

@pilau

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

@brianbowman73

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

@mostlysharks

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake

@EndhooS

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

@Michael1979

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

@skittle624

My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.

@Parentpains

Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.