@DurtMcHurtt
@ch000ch
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
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@ch000ch
@pilau
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
@brianbowman73
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
@mostlysharks
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
@EndhooS
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
@Michael1979
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
@SteveKoehler22
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
@skittle624
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
@Parentpains
Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.