@humanaaron

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested

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@EddieHarris216

TSA agent: Step aside sir. I need to pat you down.
Me: Hang on.
(Sets up pottery wheel)
(Turns on unchained melody)
Let’s do this.

@dafloydsta

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

@mllebeckyrose

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

@runolgarun

I realized I was an adult when I almost bought napkins instead of taking a wad of free ones from Chipotle. Almost.

@hazelmotes1

Mom: *tastefully decorates house*
Kid: HERE ARE 20 MILK CARTONS I TAPED TOGETHER TO MAKE A SNOWMAN I EXPECT THIS TO BE PROMINENTLY DISPLAYED

@djdarrellripley

Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!

Me: You should post something on FaceBook.

Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.

Me:

@netw3rk

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

@SnizzleFrizzle

My moral compass must run on solar power, because it never seems to work after dark.

@MariyaAlexander

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.