Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@cwhudson

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

@Ygrene

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

@DurtMcHurtt

[intensive care]

NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.

@sliver_of

I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

@daemonic3

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

@ShesARealGenius

[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”

@MavenofHonor

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

@TheCatWhisprer

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

@Randazzoj

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

@shutupmikeginn

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second