[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
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We’re all getting idioter.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*