TSA agent: Step aside sir. I need to pat you down.
Me: Hang on.
(Sets up pottery wheel)
(Turns on unchained melody)
Let’s do this.
[getting a number at a bar]
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
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[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I realized I was an adult when I almost bought napkins instead of taking a wad of free ones from Chipotle. Almost.
Mom: *tastefully decorates house*
Kid: HERE ARE 20 MILK CARTONS I TAPED TOGETHER TO MAKE A SNOWMAN I EXPECT THIS TO BE PROMINENTLY DISPLAYED
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Addicted to pills? Don’t worry. They have a pill for that.
My moral compass must run on solar power, because it never seems to work after dark.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.