@humanaaron

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested

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@cwhudson

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

@batkaren

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

@Cheeseboy22

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.

@alexlumaga

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*replaces battery*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*takes battery back out*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER

Smoke Detector:

Me:

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

@Marcmywords2

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

@samsara668

They say I can take the catheter out next week. And no, I’ll never piss on an electric fence again

@EmmaUtters

“Take one pill on an empty stomach”

Me: What’s an empty stomach?

@MasterOfFury

Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.