[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
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The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I hate everything
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu