Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
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It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
August 8
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.