I just yawned and then the guy on tv yawned and I didn’t even know that was possible
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
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Before you abduct someone do you have to fill in a chloroform?
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…
“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
God, creating dogs: GIVE THEM JOY AND POOP
Angel: what about balance
God: SOMETHING THAT’LL BRING DEAD BIRDS AS GIFTS HAHAHA. CALL IT CAT.
Never judge Darth Vader’s parenting abilities harshly when we live in a world where Toddlers In Tiaras exists.