[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
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daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”