@recursivetaco

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

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@DaddyJew

I just yawned and then the guy on tv yawned and I didn’t even know that was possible

@JPLFR80

Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach

@Boleyngirly

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

@River_Niles

We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow

@Reverend_Scott

*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…

“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”

SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.

@MrGeorgeWallace

You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.

@ShellHasDragons

God, creating dogs: GIVE THEM JOY AND POOP
Angel: what about balance
God: SOMETHING THAT’LL BRING DEAD BIRDS AS GIFTS HAHAHA. CALL IT CAT.

@OreoSpeedwagon_

Never judge Darth Vader’s parenting abilities harshly when we live in a world where Toddlers In Tiaras exists.